You always think about your first love. That one person becomes the point of comparison for all future loves... because love never seems as real and as genuine as when you are in high school.
What I never thought about before this week is what it would feel like to loose my first love. On Monday afternoon I received news that my childhood bestfriend/high school sweet heart had passed away very unexpectedly. I've experienced a lot of loss over the years, dealt with a significant amount of tragedy, but I don't think I've ever experienced shock the way I did on Monday... and still am.
I called his cell phone once, then twice, then rapidly but it had already been disconnected. HS SH had recently moved to the other side of the county and I never got the chance to say goodbye. After all these years we were still in touch... and he wanted to catch up before the big move but I just didn't find the time. Not intentionally of course.
I think about the person I am today and how so much of that is due to the experiences I had during my adolescence -- the experiences I had with him. We were inseparable... talking each and every day till all hours of the night, spending weekends curled up on the couch watching movies in his basement, attending 5:30 mass (the good Irish Catholics that we were) on Saturdays follow by family dinner. Our love was real and seemed like it would and could last forever...
...but it didn't.
HS SH and I had a falling out the second half of senior year. We anticipated trouble in our future and we fought and we hurt each other and we separated... but we never stopped caring and we always stayed in touch.
It was about 2 years ago when we went to dinner at my favorite restaurant in Astoria and he told me... "Irish, I've never been able to talk to someone as easily as I used to be able to with you" and I really think he meant that.
We both changed and we both became very different people yet my heart breaks because now all the things that used to make me think of him and smile like that one way too long Dave Matthews song, or the smell of Joop, or the #5, or black Saturns, or tuna fish on bagels, or the Back to the Future Trilogy and so much more... now instead of making me think of him and smile softly to myself now they are going to make me sad...
When you lose someone you loved, someone who was truly part of you then you become the keeper of your shared memories. It is going to take me a while to come to terms with that but when I do.. I will cherish those memories for my lifetime.
About We
- Irish and Jew
- Astoria, NY, United States
- These are the stories of two former roommates who love to laugh their effin hearts out. Originally from (NORTH!) Jersey we have pride in all things Garden State. One of us is always stereotypically hungover (it's the one of us who hasn't had a bat mitzvah). And one of us is always shoving lox and shmear in her face on Sunday mornings (it's the one of us who isn't a whisky swilling mick). Facts: Jew resides in Brooklyn Irish in Astoria, we love boys and beer and have been known to be classy on occasion...until boys and/or beer get involved. We're happy to have a place to share our thoughts and ridiculous tales of living in nyc and being fabulous broads with hearts made of jagerbombs. Hope you enjoy :)
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5 comments:
Back in Feb during one of te back to back blizzards that hit th East Coast, my soulmate/ex/love of my life drunkenly walked out into the night and didnt come back. When I got the call that he was missing I couldnt think, I couldnt function, I couldnt breathe. I sat there thinking about what I would say at his funeral, and how I would ever survive. Long story short he was found and we didnt speak for a month. Even thought it isnt the same I know the pain you are feeling.
Irish, I was so sorry to read this. I've experienced somewhat similar losses, and I think the only comfort is that the person is truly a part of you because of what you shared. I'm sorry that you never got the chance to say goodbye. It's so tough. It sounds like you were incredibly special to him, so I'm sure he knew your feelings and what you would have said.
Irish, those things that make you sad now will one day again make you smile. I promise. As a widow, I know this. It won't be tomorrow or next week or even next year. But they will in time. The deeper the love, the longer the time. Patience in all things.
Your pain was bleeding through your words. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I'm so sorry Irish. Sending you lots of good vibes.
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