Wild Wedding Weekend Kicked My Ass

It is a miracle that I am keeping down my Goldrush Chicken sandwich right now because the entire room is spinning.

I just got back from one of the best weddings I have ever been too, which is great considering by the end of the summer I was truly all wedding'ed out. The groom is the first one of my homeboys to get married, so it was kinda a big deal for me and all of my guy friends, especially since most of us were in the wedding party.

I headed home Thursday to see Ernie, who apparently has realized that yes, he needs this Irish gal in his life. I lectured him about being a lazy friend and flat out asked him, "Why is it so easy for you to just not think about me." To which he looked at me shocked and responded, "I think about you all the time, but you know how it is..." God I love open-ended answers. But he's right, I know how it is... our friendship has always been too intimate and when one is in a serious relationship one cannot continue to have their fake girlfriend on the side. Oh well, this is the joy of those tricky guy-girl friendships. As a "guy's girl" you learn to expect this crap.

I managed to avoid stopping in at the hometown bar and therefore avoided a face to face with Paddy. Ironically, he called that night anyway to inform me he will stop by this week to fix my radiator and see the new place. I think I'm busy this week.

Friday I woke up early and got ready to head upstate for the wedding. I was supposed to pick up FunnyGuy and LifeLongCrush at Noon. At 11:24 I decided that I just had to get my nails done. Big mistake but since I'm not really the "get your nails done" type I didn't anticipate that it would take over an hour.

Noon went by and neither one of the boys called, so I figured I was in the clear. At 12:40 LifeLong finally called and hazed the shit outta me over the phone, "Irish what the fuck why did you have to pick today to get all girly on us. This is our bestfriends fucking wedding and we have to be there at 4:00 sharp you are ridiculous." After yelling back and causing a scene at the nail place I hung up on him.

Then a text came from FunnyGuy "Why are your nails break'n my balls Irish?"

I went into panic mode and asked the woman to hurry up and skip the top coat. After what seemed like forever my nails were finally good to go... so I picked up the boys and we hit the road.

The trip was off to a great start with the usual, "Let's make fun of Irish" jokes." aka let's bring up all the embarrassing stories from age 5 to present day and see if Irish can handle it. I'm tough and get in my fair share of jabs, I enjoy the banter.

Then LifeLong had to go ahead and be a douchebag and bring back up me being late again, which really upset me because I truly felt bad.. "What the fuck were you thinking getting your nails done don't you realize how important this whole weekend is, we are going to be so late everyone is going to be standing around waiting for us and its going to be ALL YOUR FAULT" I think he realized he was crossing the line when my eyes started to tear up. I think I forced the tears to make him feel bad, it worked. I got a half hour neck massage and a pretty sweet apology as a result. The boys vowed that we would equally take the blame for being late.

Luckily I maintained a nice 85mph pace and we were looking like time was on our side. I even refused LifeLong a pit stop and made him pee in a coke can. Ha.

When we finally arrived and pulled up the bride and groom's block, Bert was pulling in the driveway. Bert left an hour and a half before us... thank god Bert always gets lost. We were only 20 minutes late and no one was ready to leave anyways. Major relief.

After we all gathered up, we went to the church for the rehearsal. Of course the bride's uncle came right up to me in front of the priest and declared, "You must be Irish. I hope everything I've heard about you is true." Bert, who was my "walking down the aisle" partner rolled his eyes and said, "Great Irish everyone knows you're a lush."

We headed to the rehearsal dinner where we feasted on some serious Italian Food and I decided to drink an entire bottle of Merlot. Delish. LifeLong went right after the bride's younger cousin and we were all impressed by his new found game. FunnyGuy and I were obligated to mock the hell outta him regardless.

Then it was time to leave my homeboys behind... I was off to spend the nights with the bridesmaids back at the house while they went off to the hotel with my car, the hotel that was in a casino... big mistake. I pulled FunnyGuy and LifeLong aside and gave them a motherly chat about how they needed to go to bed and not stay out all night gambling. Well that apparently left a lasting impression on them since they stayed out till 6am blowing all their money on craps and throwing back drinks made with cheap vodka. Typical.

I on the other hand went straight to sleep and woke up well rested. Us girls got up around 8am when the hair stylist showed up to sex us up. All the girls had these extravagant up-dos in mind... I hadn't even really thought about how I wanted mine done. I'm so not a fan of cheesy up-dos with crazy curls and what not... I'm tall enough so I don't need any big puffy do adding height to my frame. I opted for the more conservative sleeked back look with a deep side part and a low group of pinned back curls. It looked great. Some of the girl's hair looked like they should be wearing Jessica McClintock circa 1997 prom dresses, but for the most part we all looked hot as hell.

I called up FunnyGuy to see how all the groomsmen were making out and he answered all frantic,
"Irish, I'm not going to the wedding."
"What the fuck are you talking about"
"I'm at the Holiday Inn I got kicked out they took everything I have nothing I'm so fucked. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck."
"Shut up dude you're not funny."
"Irish I fucked up so bad, I got real drunk and mad at the craps table and I punched out this guy and they kicked me out and they took everything. They took my tux and everything that was in the room. I don't know what to do or who to call, they even took the valet ticket for the car."
"My fucking car what the hell are you talking about ? you don't punch people, are you ok? where is the groom? where is LifeLong? who are you with?
"Irish I don't fucking know dude I'm going fucking crazy"

At this point I started to choke on my words and tear up. FunnyGuys voice started to get really crazy like he had just really fucked up.

" I'm gonna figure out how to get over there."
"Hahahahahahahahaha you always fucking cry Irish hahahahaha. LifeLong, Irish is crying hahahahahaahahaha"

Fucking assholes.

Finally, we headed off to the church in our stretch Navigator and downed some champagne on the way... not a whole lot since I was worried about tripping on my dress and falling down the aisle, but it worked out just perfectly. The groom was so nervous he couldn't even smile, it was precious. The ceremony was short, well short for a Cath wedding. The boys were all, "that was a long one" and I'm like hello dudes we didn't even have communion get with it wait till my wedding... shit is gonna be like an hour and a half, full mass, flower tribute to Mary, Ave Maria ... and I'm thinking bagpipes.

Then we got back into the limo where LifeLong proceeded to pass out like a total crack head and FunnyGuy turned pale as all hell, he later had to exuse himself and puke during our photo session. And I get lectured on being late?? Please.

When we finished the boys jetted back over to the hotel while I was left to gather my bags and meet up with them. Of course neither of the two would answer their phones and I had to call 4 people before I figured out where our room was... I got a key from our friend Mike who was also in on our room but not in the wedding party. I walked into a dark pit of hell... FunnyGuy and LifeLong were passed out in their boxers. The room looked like Motley Crew had stayed there the night before, it was a nightmare. I dropped my bags, told them they were both scumbags reminded them not miss the wedding and then headed to the pre-party.

The brides father cornered me at the pre-party and declared, "Irish this is the night you get to prove that you can out drink the boys." Ernie chimed in, "Apparently you've never drank with Irish." With that I threw back my first of 15 vodka tonics. I bonded with Ernie's girlfriend because it was the right thing to do, despite the fact that I'm jealous she's stolen my friend away. Eh he should really break up with her :)

Then we were off to the cocktail hour. FunnyGuy and LifeLong made it on time and cleaned up rather nicely, I was impressed. I mingled a ton, ate a ton and drank a ton. Bert and I decided that at the reception, for the wedding party entrance, we were not doing the spin around 'n twirl ordeal so we stuck with the more traditional arm clutch entrance. Worked out well. LifeLong was macking it hardcore with Bride's Cousin, they were practically dry humping during their grand entrance, a total indicator of what the end of the night was going to look like...

On with the fun... FunnyGuy and I danced our asses off as we always do at weddings. I dragged Mike, who is an old school New Brunswick Hardcore type-o-guy, onto the dance floor a few times which was hilarious. Of course this sparked LifeLong into harassing the crap outta me because I accidentally made out with Mike on Thanksgiving Eve last year in front of everyone... but we were totally trashed and at the time I didn't even realize it was Mike that I was making out with. (Wow, that was a year ago, crazy!)

There were multiple Jersey dedications including, but not limited to, Living on a Prayer and Glory Days... the 50% of the guests from NJ sang in complete unison. Amazing. I did shots with LifeLong and Bride's Cousin over which he revealed to her that the reason he is so dumb is because I did his homework for him for so many years. True story... the pathetic power of a crush.

When the wedding finally ended we headed off to the after party back at the hotel/casino. Somewhere around 2am a few of us decided it was time to go gamble, but first I needed to get outta my dress. Back in the room Bride's Cousin was bitching about how sore her feet were and how she wasn't sure if she'd be able to walk over to the other hotel where she was staying, LifeLong shot me a look of horror that basically said, "Shit, I need to get her to that hotel so we can get it on" so I offered her my sneakers which she happily accepted. I told LifeLong that he better remember to bring them back and he promised he would. They left. Then I realized that I myself had nothing but my heels to put on my feet with the sweatpants I had just changed into. I somehow always get shit on when I'm trying to get one of my dude friends laid. Luckily, FunnyGuy gave me his Chuck Taylor's that were about 4 sizes too large. I was looking hot as hell.

I couldn't even see so I made the executive decision to only play the slots. Good move. I lost $40 and watched my homeboys lose a hell of a lot more. Between 4 and 5am we stumbled back into the bedroom where Mike started getting all emo over his girlfriend who apparently decided to stop talking to him outta nowhere the other day. He begged me to call her and leave a message on her voice mail, I said "no", he begged again, I said "give me the fucking number." So I left some girl I think I've met once a crazy voice mail about how she needs to call her boyfriend. Yea like that is going to do the trick... Boys are so dumb. Mike continued on and on about the GF but FunnyGuy and LifeLong (who was back from playtime with cousin) were getting pissed at his whining so I suggested that we go talk about it over a cig on the smoking floor. Little did I know that this would turn into a 2 hour production. Our friend John and his girlfriend joined us at some point and next thing I know the drunk convo has turned into a full out Dr. Phil therapy session. The drunken conclusion was that Mike needs to show up at GFs work and make her talk to him... despite the fact that it sounds creepy as hell I confirmed that this was the logical thing for Mike to do when I was sober this morning. Ok maybe I was still drunk.

At 7am LifeLong got up and left to catch a flight back to LA where he's currently working and accidentally left half his shit behind... not to mention he never got my sneakers back from Bride's Cousin.

11:00am checkout was painful as all hell. I tried getting a late check out at 10:45 but it was unsuccessful. When FunnyGuy went to check out he learned that LifeLong's $100 cab ride had been charged to the room... we agreed he is a cheap ass cock sucker but later learned it was a mistake (yet to be fixed).

On the car ride home I felt so sick and could no longer drive to the Giants game on AM radio that I pulled over and told FunnyGuy he was driving. I slept the rest of the way. It was great.

Conclusion: I love my fucking friends on a totally unhealthy level and this was a weekend I'll remember and cherish forever. Sap moment.

Cheers,
Irish